So I was watching some football highlights and player interviews — okay, I wasn’t watching, exactly, I happened to be in the area when a television was playing. See, I don’t exactly follow football, as I tend to be of the opinion that if these guys are getting paid millions of dollars, they can each afford their own ball and they shouldn’t have to fight over one.
But as I was saying, I overheard some highlight commentary and player interviews, and maybe I just caught a really bad example, but I was stuck by how egocentric the whole thing was, and I was trying to imagine any other career’s press interviews going the same way. What if, say, a writer was interviewed as if he were a football player?
The Player Interview
“Well, hey, how ’bout it, yeah? Willy Shakespeare in the house, bringing it down! Yeah, man. So I was just thinking, I gotta flip those hips, flip what they’re thinking, and how I’m gonna do that? I’m waiting until they’re watching Hamlet tackle his mother, see, and then, BAM! I’m gonna make it be Polonius who’s dead behind the curtain. Pow! Didn’t see that coming, didja?”
“Wow, Willy, that’s certainly something! And you know, Chris, this is the first onstage murder of the show, am I right?”
“You are, Howard, though we have had a backstory murder, but you know those are a different kind of play entirely. Apples and oranges!”
“You’re so right, Chris. The Scottish play has a similar streak of on- and offstage murders, though we don’t have a final count of the offstage deaths because no one has a record of how many children MacDuff had. And even here, that’s not counting the almost-murder when Hamlet considered stabbing the king while he was at prayer–”
“Yo, guys, are we here to talk about history, or tonight’s plot? Because I can go if we’re done here.”
“No, no, Willy, talk to us!”
“Yeah, tell us about the moves we can expect. So, Willy, what do you see for the next act?”
“You just watch, man, ‘cuz I am taking Rosencrantz and Guildenstern down. Like, down, man. And you keep an eye on Ophelia, ‘cuz that b*tch don’t float.”
“You heard it here first, folks! Willy Shakespeare says he has a challenge for the rest of the show and he’s ready to face it.”
And Now, It’s Your Turn
The stakes: a $15 Amazon gift card
The challenge: Write a book review or author interview in the style of sports commentary. Any sportscasting style is legal, so run with boxing, horse racing, golf, or whatever is funniest. Classic titles with well-known plots (and the statute of limitations well expired on spoilers) are preferred.
Leave your entry in the comments below; you have one week. Final decision rests with me, mwa ha ha, but you’re more than welcome to cheer one another on and root for your favorites. Ready, set, go!